Uncle's memorial 2 days ago. Traveled to Queensland by car 12 hours each way. was never that close to that uncle, but it was really hard seeing my father that upset
when he spoke. met with my extended family father's side which i've had minimal contact with over the last 5 years, was good meeting and talking to them again and
over a sad event like this. the night of the memorial just after i woke at 3:30am i had a strong emotion and vision in my head of my uncle with his kids and the realisation
of despite himself being gone, all that's he worked on and contributed to this world continues on, including his wife and especially kids. will never ever see what they would
of achieved. cancer.
Weirdest experience yesterday. most likely due to tiredness from the 12 hour car trip and i should of been asleep, the fact i don't fucking care in the slightest about game annoucements
(i just wanted to be around my friends), and that i regretted saying yes to plans after i got in the car. anhedonia. way back home i had gut wrenching suicial intention to throw myself
off crackneck. in the back of the car in my head i had the most intense imagaination. i drove and walked up to the cliff, played the song that was playing in the car wearing earphones,
stood on the edge of the cliff and threw myself off onto the rocks below feeling my head cave in from the forehead turning to mush and my bones shatter. feelings come back so strong,
i always confirm to myself that suicide is just not an option or an idea to entertain.
i tried making music yesterday but came up null. i chord progressin was cool. Gmin9 - Dmin9 - C lydian scale thing.
will try to designing clothes and art and other miscellaneous creative projects today. also will need to sort my uni application out very soon if i wish to complete that. moving out of home
feels like a very comforting idea right now. studying other artists for how they market and started their careers and other creations in all forms.